Chapter Seven
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It was raining when he stepped off the plane. It was coming down in gushes and oddly enough it made him smile. Simon felt much more at home in London, away from the eternal fantasy that was L.A. Even though he barely slept a wink on the plane, due to his inner conflict over the stewardess, he felt better just being there. His driver met him at the curb and was ready to take him straight home until Simon opted for a different location.
“Would you mind taking me to my mum’s?”
The driver boasted that it would be a pleasure and off they went, weaving in and out of the London traffic.
Simon always seemed to feel the need to go see his mother as soon as his feet touched British soil, but it was hardly ever that he acted on it. Right now he felt as if she may be the only women he could bare to talk to. His mum was the only women who had never broken his heart, but rather spent countless hours helping him to piece it back together. Feelings of heartbreaks before had been told to Julie time and time again, each ending in her telling her son what he did wrong and what the girl did as well. Julie was no fool, having raised Simon herself, she knew he was no Mr. Perfect in relationships. If she bothered to cast her mind back into his younger years she could remember frightened phone calls from Sinitta each time he would go missing. He would leave her for a few days to have a roll in the hay with some lap dancer and then trot back home on Monday as if all was well. Julie had never condoned this behavior but she wasn’t about to chastise her grown son. He could make his decisions, good or bad, for himself. The only thing she would do for him was comfort him and give him her very helpful advice.
It had been Simon’s mum who first brought up Paula Abdul. They were sitting in her living room watching a tape of American idol Simon had brought and when Paula came across the screen for the usual introduction Julie saw a flicker of strong emotion present in her son.
“You two get on then?”
“Nah, Mum. She’s not for me.”
Julie didn’t question it. When Simon had something in his mind it was there and nothing she or anyone else said was going to change it.
It was merely four weeks later Simon bothered to bring Terri around. To most people meeting the parents is a huge step in a relationship, to Simon it was like a second date. If he was bothering to buy you dinner more than three times you were more than obligated to meet his family. Simon, as much as he hated to admit it, valued his mother’s opinion over many. The only opinion he valued more was his fathers, and after his father died he had always missed the witty comments he had always given to him about the girls he’d dated. Simon could only thank god his dad was gone and wasn’t there for the first time he brought a lap dancer home.
“Mum, this is Terri.”
Julie looked her up and down before shaking her hand. Terri was dressed in a strapless black dress and high heels and the first thing Julie thought was ‘Well this won’t last she’s taller than him’. It was true that Simon had dumped a girl for less. But she seemed nice enough. As they sat down to dinner and the conversation was taken over a by Simon and Nick, Julie realized that Terri never really had an opinion or brought anything to the table other than commenting on what Simon said. Julie didn’t understand it, this connection Simon thought he had with this woman, but for the moment she kept her mouth shut. She never thought she’d be keeping her mouth shut for five years.
Simon walked up to his mother’s door in Brighton and knocked on the door, rain pouring on his head. Julie’s face peeked between the curtains and she couldn’t help but smile seeing Simon dripping wet come to visit her.
“Well come in now you’re getting all wet.”
She let him step inside and brush off before she swept him up in a meaningful hug. She never could tell him how desperate she was when he was gone to America. Her family was her life and Simon was very close to her heart. She would never tell anyone, not even on her deathbed, but Simon was indeed her favorite.
“How long have you been back Simon?” she asked as he made his way into the living room lighting a cigarette as he took a seat.
“Just got back.”
“Oh you’re lying.”
“Not a word to you mum, never.” She could hear the sarcasm laced into his words. “But seriously I just got back.”
As much as she loved her son and was so utterly glad to see him she knew this couldn’t be good if seeing her was the first order of business back in England. She brought tea and sat down, beside her dog on the sofa.
“Well what’s the matter then?”
Simon was baffled at how she just knew something was wrong. He never understood how she could just tell without him even saying a word, but she could.
He let a sigh filled to the brim with heaviness out of his mouth before he began to speak. “Well mum, it’s over.”
“You and Terri?”
Of course, he’d forgotten. His mum knew nothing of Paula. How was he going to explain this?
“No mum, she’s fine, were fine. It’s this..”
“Other women. Is it Paula?”
Simon couldn’t help letting his mouth drop open in surprise.
“How on earth did you know?”
“You presume I’m just old and slow and don’t get anything. Well that’s not the truth. Simon I’ve know something was going on for a long time. I’m not that dumb Simon.” She chuckled. “So are you going to tell me what happen?”
Simon squirmed a little bit in his chair, telling his mother about his affair with Paula. He left out no detail except the sexually explicit ones. He told her about the drunken wedding that he didn’t remember until months later, waking up from a dead sleep. He told her about all the times he’d run to her, care for her, and all the times she’d never do the same. He told her about the frustration he felt for her that very day and how angry he’d been when he left the states.
“But darling, don’t you see. She’s afraid to love you.”
His mother had never spoken truer words and Simon could have killed himself for not seeing if for himself.
“But that doesn’t make it right, what she’s doing to me.”
“No Simon it doesn’t, but it does show you that she is still able to love, but neither of you have been willing to give it a real go, have you?”
“Well, no, we’ve always had other people. I have Terri and now she’s got this dope, JT.”
“Jealous, are we?”
“What? No, mum. It’s just that we have never really tried to make it work, just the two of us…”
“Then you don’t know if she loves you Simon, not really.”
His head was foggy. He couldn’t work out all the thoughts that kept moving forward and then back in the river that was his mind. His mother kept saying these things he needed to hear but wasn’t sure he wanted to. He was suppose to be done with this woman, and now the one woman he trusted was saying things that made him want to jump on a plane in the opposite direction and go back to her.
“Simon. You love her.”
“What?” Her words brought him to the surface of his thoughts, making him listen.
“You do. I’ve seen it in your eyes and in your smile since the first day you showed me a tape of American Idol. You love her.”
His mother had never said anything like this to him. She had never once said that she could see love in him. He wasn’t sure love was in him anymore, but with his mother telling him so, it made him feel as if maybe there still was.
They talked for another couple hours or so and then Simon headed back to London, the smoke rising from his last cigarette. He hadn’t even noticed it was his last one as he had lit it and taken a sweet pull off it while wading back into the river of his thoughts. He loved her. Yes, he knew that, he had said it so many times, but to hear someone else say they could see it too made it seem more real. How was he supposed to go back to her now and give it a real try like his mum told him to? After he had stormed out in a rush of wet skin and black t-shirt was he going to crawl back to her and make it better than before? He was so unsure of everything now that all he could manage to do was smoke his cigarette and try not to think about her.
Her and the way she made him feel.
She always made him feel alive and free.
Touching her made something spark inside of him, made thoughts run threw his mind, thoughts like if he could only touch her for the rest of his life he would be whole. To be at one with this women would make everything so wonderful so simple.
He picked up his phone and dialed her number. With each number that his fingertip touched his heartbeat rose. He lifted the phone to his ear and waited to hear it ring, but it never did.
“Hi! This is Paula, you know what to do.” Beep.
“Umm.. Paula it’s me.. I guess you’re not answering my calls. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do earlier. I need to umm.. Talk with you. Soon.”
He hung up hoping he didn’t sound desperate but then he realized he didn’t care anymore. Let her think he was desperate because it was the truth. He was desperate to touch her, kiss her, hold….
Her.
He wanted her.
He loved her.
Her.
He would do anything for her, give up anyone for her.
Her and only her.
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