Chapter Ten
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It was raining, that kind of hot humid rain that was so precious in only the way a person from California could understand. Months had passed since that dreadful day in the elevator. A new Idol had been crowned and with that Simon had flown across the pond and tried to settle back into the normalcy that came with being back where he belonged, but he couldn’t. So only a few days after getting to London, he turned around and flew back to L.A. only to be greeted with rain. He was absolutely sure that the rain had followed him from London, but with no way to prove it he just sighed and dialed her number again.
The interaction between him and Paula had been strictly limited to Idol and all the things that came with Idol since that very first audition. Nobody could tell that they had drifted apart, nobody knew that secretly they hadn’t been talking, pretending to the best of their ability to envision that the other didn’t exist. Simon’s behavior towards her had been intertwined with a sort of icy politeness, almost to a patronizing level off camera, though on camera remaining the same. His undeniable love that he would have confessed to her after their romantic entanglement in the elevator had now died away and become a harbored unsettling feeling of bitterness and anger. She had ended it, standing up and dressing quickly, saying he couldn’t have them both, he had to choose. Simon didn’t know that secretly she was dying inside hoping he would choose her and when he hadn’t she was rendered unable to properly eat or sleep for weeks.
What angered Simon most is that he hadn’t actually picked one or the other. He had stood there in silence, his mind racing as he looked at her standing one step in front of him, and her back towards him. The bell and the opening of the doors signaled their last moment alone together, she waited only mere seconds, secretly praying that he would answer her question, and when he never said anything she left.
He had chosen her in the end, asking Terri to move out, find a place of her own, but it was too late. Paula ignored his phone calls causing him to take up a new hobby of drinking excessively. He had never been much of heavy drinker but now he was finding any and all excuse to mix himself a little liquid courage. Now he would drink alone in the safety of his own home, stumbling around his mansion that seemed even emptier that it usually did with Terri gone as well. For once in his life, Simon was alone, and he wasn’t sure how much he liked it.
He sat down his suitcase in the kitchen and picked up the mail. Weeding through bills, bullshit mail, and the miscellaneous fan letters that actually managed to find the Simon Cowell, till he found something he wasn’t particularly looking for but happened to catch his eye.
It was a pristine white envelop, raised designs in white as well of flowers on the edges. He opened it, thinking it was some invitation to some stuck up black tie event he would probably never attend. He was right it was an invitation, but not the one he was expecting.
Her face smiled back at him. Her eyes the color of Swiss chocolate, her teeth a brilliant white, and she seemed to be looking right at him. The man beside her in the picture seemed to be staring into him, his face didn’t show a particular emotion, though it never really did. Simon knew the man beside her, he’d seen him so many times, but never really paid him any mind until now. JT’s emotionless stare now angered Simon more than he thought it was even possible to do. The invitation read in beautifully written pink letters “Just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me, and he does!” Simon opened the card and let his life unfold with it. The times and dates of the engagement party were skimmed quickly, and then Simon couldn’t take it any longer. His rough exterior had cracked and broke into pieces as he fell to the floor. He laid there on his stomach, sobbing into the tile floor of his kitchen. Tears of pain mingled together creating small pools on the floor around his face.
He couldn’t figure out where they went so wrong. Why had she finally left him for good? Why had she given up on something she said she had wanted something she said she couldn’t live without?
Though he couldn’t imagine himself taking that fateful step forward with her, why would she bury herself into something she didn’t want with someone else?
Questions filled his mind, as he stood, his dignity gone, and made himself the strongest drink he could think of. The familiar sting of Jack ran down his throat as he took one shot, then another.
“Another day has come and gone..” His phone sang out to him.
That ring belonged to one person only, the person, whose face stared up from his kitchen floor, beaming in false happiness. She always knew how to kick him while he was down. He walked over to the phone and looked at it as the lyrics continued on.
He had to give in to her, one last time.
He flipped open the phone and held it to his ear and waited, saying nothing.
“Hello? Simon are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“I need to talk to you.” Her voice sounded sever with emotion, almost distorted from its normal tone.
“What the hell for?” His anger was getting the best of him.
“Oh, you got it…”
“This bloody invitation.. is that what you’re talking about? Yeah, just today.”
Her silence on the other end only feed into his feelings.
“I’ve been calling you for months Paula, and you’ve been fucking ignoring me. You’re all fucking smiles on camera but the moment they click off-“
“Simon I’m pulling into your driveway. “
She was. The lights of her Range Rover beamed through his windows.
Simon flipped the phone shut and sat at the bar. If she wanted to talk, he would listen, but she’d have to listen to him as well. Paula let herself in, the clicking of her heels traveling to his ears that were straining for even the slightest of her familiar sounds.
When Paula saw Simon, she realized that the months of ignoring him had not only taken a toll on her but on him as well. He looked older, much more tired than usual, the lines in his face that were barely present months, maybe even weeks ago, were now creases in his skin.
“Simon…” she whispered, her hand reaching out to touch his face.
He didn’t want her to touch him. He didn’t want to fall into the trap he knew so well that was made up of her beauty and the feeling of her touch.
“Don’t.” He said, pulling away.
“I can’t touch you?” She questioned, but it wasn’t really a question. They both knew that things had escalated to a new level now, they were different and they both had to come to terms with it.
Paula stood there, willing him to look at her, but he didn’t.
She took in a deep breath and began to speak, slow and steadily.
“I wasn’t sure, if I should invite you… I know it’s going to be hard-“
“How could you?”
“How could I what Simon?”
“Marry him.”
“Well I haven’t married him yet-“
“You will.”
He walked around to the other side of the bar, his shoulder brushing her chest, but neither one pulled away. He poured himself another drink and took a mouthful before adding more liquor to the concoction.
“Simon, I don’t know what to say...”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
He lit a cigarette, the smoke rising in puffs above the two of them.
“I feel like I have to explain myself. Why I was ignoring you.”
“I’m not sure any of it matters, Paula.”
“but you left Terri.”
He sighed. “I did. And you weren’t there, like you said you would be. Life’s a bitch huh? You leave your comfort zone, thinking the thing you want most is worth leaving it for. You cast someone you care for to the side for the thing you love and it slaps you in the face.”
“Simon I-“ She started, placing her hand on his arm.
Simon couldn’t handle it. He told her not to touch him. He told her.
Her.
Her and her lack of listening skills.
Simon whipped around and slammed the glass against the wall, his hand following it. The glass cut into the tender skin on his palm, blood mixing in with the shards of broken glass and alcohol on the wall and floor.
“SIMON!”
She was saying something about him being an idiot, but he wasn’t listening. He rested both his hands on the edge of the bar, the tiniest pieces of glass still imbedded in his cut digging in deeper. Her voice, all he could hear was her voice, but he didn’t want to any longer.
“Why are you here?” He asked, anger and drunkenness causing his face to flush.
“Simon” she whispered, “I love you.”
Tears had welled up in her eyes, skimming the soft skin just beneath her lids. But he didn’t care. He wanted her to cry. He wanted her to feel the pain she had inflicted upon him, this disease he cared with him every day that he had contracted from her.
“Well it’s a little late to go all Romeo and Juliet on me don’t you think? You’ve fucked me up something good woman.”
Paula couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She couldn’t understand, this anger he felt towards her. It wasn’t her that made the mistake. It was him.
Him and his unwillingness to leave someone he didn’t love.
But he had left her.
He left Terri and she wasn’t there.
The blame was on her.
Her.
No. Him.
She just didn’t know anymore.
“I’ll go.”
She turned to leave, walking across the floor, the sound of wetness and the crunch of glass under her heels.
“You say things you don’t mean…” He whispered, his voice shaky. “Promises you never intend to keep, I must admit I liked hearing them, but you don’t mean them…”
She turned and looked at him, her hair fluttering behind her with ease.
“No, Simon, you’re wrong. I meant every word.”
Simon crossed the length of his kitchen in board steps and caught her by the neck, his hand cradling her head. She tilted her head upwards to catch his lips in a passionate kiss. Her eyes closed and she waited, but he never kissed her. Instead he looked at her.
Her and her longing to be loved.
“Marry him. He’ll make you happy.” He whispered gently.
Paula opened her eyes slowly and met his soft brown irises with her own.
“And her?” she questioned.
Simon walked away, his back to her.
“Yes, she’ll make me happy.”
As Paula pulled out of the driveway, Simon couldn’t help but wonder where they would go from here. Two people with two other people, neither one having the one person they truly wanted in life.
Paula had him.
Simon had her.
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